He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
