One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
