Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
