It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
