i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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