Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
