I'm gonna have a badass scar
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
farters have to be the big spoon...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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