he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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