So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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