So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
