Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
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The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
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He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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