Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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