I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
