I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
