I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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