So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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