I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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