Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
