I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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