Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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