I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
ugly people sure do ruin things
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
