She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
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I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
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I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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