Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
