i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
