i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
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