I cannot find my penis.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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