That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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