If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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