worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
try to milk me bitch
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