Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
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When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
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I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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