i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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