capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
