Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
