stop calling my apartment porn island.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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