I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
