fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
