remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
