You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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