Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
