When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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