I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
