the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
