Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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