I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
