No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
