last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
