He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
