I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So vagazzling was a success
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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