you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
