is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
