Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
