The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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