I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
